“…you were with me, but I was not with you.”
Augustine, Confessions
Oh my God, you search me
like a Mother searches
her newborn,
eyes beholding
the miracle of my being:
You
know
me
and yet
my understanding
of this knowing
is not the knowing
you seek.
Oh
my
God
the shame of my nakedness
sends me running
for the bushes.
Eyes closed tight
I hear you call to me,
ask me to name
where I am.
Where am I?
I rehearse my lists of sins,
my lists of failures,
my lists of how I’ve been failed,
and here I fail
to lift my eyes,
fail to see you
seeing me.
Oh—
my God,
how often
do I stand before a mirror—
holding my breath—
behold myself alone,
What if I risk
lifting my eyes,
see You seeing me,
find myself
held in your gentleness,
see you beholding
my goodness,
my deepest dreams
my long-forgotten longings?
It is here I can exhale—
Oh—
breathe deep again
your breath,
—my God.
Your breath fills my lungs
and in your gaze,
I see
and I am known.
The featured image, “Twinkle Lights in a Jar,” is courtesy of Lancia E. Smith and is used with her glad permission for Cultivating.
Amy Malskeit, a columnist for Cultivating Magazine, holds an MA in creative writing from Lancaster University in England. Her poetry and creative nonfiction explore questions about God, faith, and the soul, letting these refract through the small moments in her life.
She lives in the foothills outside Denver where she plants her garden and makes her home with her husband, two children and a sassy Tibetan Terrier. When she’s not reading or writing, she enjoys laughing with her family, finding ways to swim in an ocean, and nurturing ways of living creatively.
Dear Amy, this poem searches far into my soul, just like the Psalm it is born of. I love Psalm 139 anyway, but the way you weave together the its truths is so good! God knows “my deepest dreams, my long-forgotten longings…” Thank you so much for writing such beautiful poetry!
So beautiful, Amy! Thank you for these words!