After Psalm 139

“…you were with me, but I was not with you.” 

Augustine, Confessions

Oh my God, you search me

like a Mother searches 

her newborn,

             eyes beholding 

             the miracle of my being:

You

             know

                            me

and yet 

my understanding

             of this knowing 

is not the knowing

                                        you seek.

Oh

my 

God

the shame of my nakedness

sends me running 

            for the bushes.

Eyes closed tight

I hear you call to me, 

ask me to name

              where I am.

Where am I?

I rehearse my lists of sins, 

              my lists of failures, 

              my lists of how I’ve been failed,

and here I fail 

              to lift my eyes,

                             fail to see you 

                             seeing me.

Oh—

my God, 

            how often 

do I stand before a mirror—

            holding my breath—

behold myself                          alone, 

What if I risk 

              lifting my eyes, 

              see You seeing me, 

find myself

held in your gentleness, 

              see you beholding 

my goodness,

my deepest dreams

my long-forgotten longings?

It is here I can exhale—

Oh—

breathe deep again

your breath, 

                  —my God.

Your breath fills my lungs 

and in your gaze,

I see 

           and I am known.

The featured image, “Twinkle Lights in a Jar,” is courtesy of Lancia E. Smith and is used with her glad permission for Cultivating.

Amy Malskeit

Amy Malskeit is a lover of words and stories and people. She holds an undergraduate degree in English and Spanish, a secondary English teaching credential, and an MA in creative writing with an emphasis in poetry from Lancaster University in Northwest England. Her years teaching middle and high school gave her a love for middle grade and young adult literature, and the awkward awesome that being a young adult means. She is a mother of two who plants her garden and makes her home in the foothills southwest of Denver with her best friend, Kevin. She loves the water, and feels most at home when she is near the Pacific Ocean. She reads broadly, and is passionate about exploring big questions and small moments through her poetry, essays, and stories.