Changing the Song Stuck in Her Head

Why do particular songs get stuck in my head? I don’t know, but this song has been there for almost forty years, often resurfacing to work its magic for a season and then to fade back into the shadows. A word casually spoken can have me singing it inside once more. When the word assigned to guide the writing for this issue came to me, it happened again. I saw the word “Kindness” and instantly the 1985 song by Leslie Philips, Your Kindness started to play, my breath slowed, the world became quiet, my mind focused. In my head, I was singing, “It’s your kindness that leads us to repentance oh Lord,” over and over again. 

The delightful types of songs that get stuck in my head remind me of fond memories, wishes, and how bold, cool, and wonderful I am, these types are lost to my wife. They are overshadowed by repeating nightmare scenes of horrors that remind her of who she “really” is. Those are the “songs” that lurk in her shadows. They too are decades old, waiting to be triggered by a random moment or word. 

Now, my wife is unaware of something big to repent from, as victims rarely are. Perhaps not in the traditional sense of the word repent. Her need for repentance is of a different kind. That song repeating in my head is based on Romans 2:4 and the essence of the word translated as “repentance” is “to change one’s mind.” Normally it is related to a sin one intended to or has committed. But for the victim of childhood trauma and abuse, access to that kind of repentance is often blocked. The magnitude of their personal sin is hidden behind a concrete wall of horror, self-condemnation, and guilt, not of what they have done but what has been done to them, and what they believe about themselves as a result—unlovable, unsafe, stupid, worthless—are the turbulent seas they are drowning in, especially when those memories are triggered.  

Can that kindness that is meant to lead the sinner to repentance (a change of mind), that calls them to turn toward God, toward the good, toward the truth about who they are in Christ, capable of leading the victim to a change of mind about who they are? Yes, kindnesses can break through and bring the truth that in Christ they are loved, safe, and beautiful. 

This meditation reminded me that as a strong, godly man in my wife’s life, my kindness can help lead her to repentance, to that change of mind, about herself. Every time I act toward her in kindness, I fight against the lies in her shadows. Every time I respond with calmness to an unkind word spoken toward me out of her fear, I call forth the truth of her, the truth that waits behind the lies of worthlessness—and the healing of those old wounds continues. 

Husbands, we are the ones who are uniquely positioned to fight for our wives’ healing and freedom! Let us act toward them with the kindness that can help lead to repentance, to them changing their minds, to believing the truth and beauty of who they are.

The featured image, “Twinkle Lights in a Jar,” is courtesy of Lancia E. Smith and is used with her glad permission for Cultivating.

Kirk Manton

Kirk Lloyd Manton is a layman poet. His career path has led him through alternating seasons working inside and outside the church: youth pastor, film lighting freelancer, church production director, film studio COO, and now, communications project manager – back in a church.

Kirk has a bachelor’s degree in religious studies from The Union Institute. His writing was ignited while serving the technical needs of the presenters at C.S. Lewis Foundation events. For twenty years those friendships have inspired and nurtured Kirk’s writing. He continues to recruit and lead volunteer Christian event technicians for his Guild Fellowship.

He has published two books: a poetry/devotional book, The Grace of Rain, and a photo/poetry book, Listening Like Breathing (2018 Texas Authors Association’s Book of the Year for Poetry).

Kirk and his wife Rachelle now live near Akron, Ohio to be near the grand-babies.